Indeed, in my mind I knew I have seen and fallen in love with love.
It came to me one morning and the impossible happened. He, that young man who I saw for some seconds and thought of the improbability to see him face to face was logic to follow in that dimension. There at that point in time, in the same world, in the same dimension, same place, same universe, my invisible dream took form and shape to physical perfection.
A bliss to have meet him, to have seen him and to know he would never meet the real me and to be forever blind to see my soiled self. Days, weeks, and time passed and without noticing the improbable happened, he noticed the defective, small, pathetic, and insignificant me and smiled. It took one smile for me to fall in love with love.
“Love at first sight” it wasn’t exactly that, for I have always dedicated my hope to the idealism of love. He was only the physical presence of it, my living hope and an everlastingly memory of what I will never get. Everyone says that eyes are the mirror of the soul and perhaps that is where “love at first sight” lies, but it took me a smile for me to be chained for years to that person. A tender and sincere smile perfectly placed to a charming individual, I could not ask for more…I was never in a position to ask for anything.
One day, it vanished and I was there left in a place of despair to ceaselessly wait for it to come back again. Time, months, years passed and everything changed inside and outside me. I no longer were the little girl who now I meet in my death bed, I were no longer the broken girl lost in that world, no longer the adolescent who dreamt and hope for a bright future, no longer a person who had the right to seek and obtain “love’s true love”. I changed and became more filthy, uncaring and blind to reality. That is how I became an adult and died.
Apparently, sadness, hope, solitude and stupidity really loved me for once, before dying I was able to see love’s smile once again. This time it came to me thru words and it can only be described as a bittersweet journey that I experienced by blinding myself to reality. I again once knew the changes of probability were as diminutive as capturing the moonlight with a water drop.
I am trying to smile like the clown that I am, with the memories of my mad addiction. I remember my sweet and nice illusion, that in the process were addictive, painful and irrational. It is still here hurting in my chest, a proof that once I was human, a stupid one that fell in love with something that could never be.
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