Catching Words

No wind, just an intense fume of warmth, and the fake lights of a city night
A need to create, a need to feel, a need to catch words that don't come to me.

This is the dead end of certainty, the logic that bounds phrases be gone,
There are no meanings and there's no flow, what has my mind done?

Immovable with no way to go, I wish to fly or fall but obviously I can't
If I were to ask for help, my mouth won't move, I be stuck with a lack of words.

What it is there to convey anyway? The solitude, the darkness, the person that I am?
I don't have a muse nor inspiration, no precise sentiment nor a specific memory...

Is this a waste of time, lost in the wonder of nothing, perhaps an unfulfilling wish to be?
These are words, objects, logic and a rhythm of waves that still don't make sense.

I just want to catch them all: feelings, memories, statements, ideas, feelings
Catch them, make them my own, let them be a pattern created from my soul.

Absurd that nothing comes up at this time, at this night, at this hour,
Everything seems to be living endlessly in a powerless breath.


Jumping in space, net in hand, I still can't catch those stardust words,
Am I wrong in trying to catch them just on my own?

It doesn't matter anyway,
It is a fruitless adventure...

To catch words in a mute space...with nobody to help.

It's Almost 4am

It is almost 4am and I can't go back to sleep.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, I feel anxious and I want to cry. I can't do anything, it is like I'm incapable of actually shedding tears.

Before I didn't use to have this problem, I have pills that I could take to make me fall asleep but I don't want to take more medicine. It is already enough with the antidepressants and the antibiotics I'm taking for the current infection I have in my ears and throat.

I think I need help but I don't know who to ask at 4am in the morning, I don't want to cut so I'm nowhere near a knife...but I want to cry, scream, and I want someone to help me...More precisely, I want somebody to save me from myself.

Why is it hard? I don't get it, I shouldn't feel like this, I've been working with my doctor and my psychologist and I still get these sleepless nights in which I want to escape...I want to disappear. There is something wrong with me and I can't fix it, even if I want to fix it, it doesn't...

I believed to be strong, to solve my own issues and be my own hero....Self sufficient and right now it is all collapsing in nonsense. I'm afraid of insanity, I'm actually questioning it, logically I should be fine but I am not.

I am trying so hard, I don't want to be a disappointment to me and everyone else but it is so hard.

Now, I am finally crying...

Crying in silence as usual, trying not to wake up everyone...

It doesn't make sense, I want help but I am still crying in silence...I feel ashamed.

Vulnerable, broken and fragile...I don't want to but I can't help it.

Why can't I be happy like everyone else? What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm in pain and I want somebody to save me because I can't save myself. I can't save myself this time. I feel so impotent and frustrated.

I used to pray but somehow I can't anymore, it just makes it worse...I feel like crying more and cutting. I want to hurt myself because I am helpless and I don't want to, I don't want to be weak. I don't want to rely on somebody else.

It is so fucking stupid, it doesn't make sense, it hurts so bad.

It is already 4am, I have been crying for about 20 minutes to no consolation. I don't know what to do, I'm typing my feelings because I really have no clue on what else to do.

I'm so lost and lonely...I feel like throwing up now. Throw up everything that is bad about myself, I want to let my ugliness out, feel normal and sleep. Not feel anything...

I'm sick of everything...

Nobody is going to save me, this is ridiculous, I should just dope myself to sleep...

I'm tired