It's Almost 4am

It is almost 4am and I can't go back to sleep.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, I feel anxious and I want to cry. I can't do anything, it is like I'm incapable of actually shedding tears.

Before I didn't use to have this problem, I have pills that I could take to make me fall asleep but I don't want to take more medicine. It is already enough with the antidepressants and the antibiotics I'm taking for the current infection I have in my ears and throat.

I think I need help but I don't know who to ask at 4am in the morning, I don't want to cut so I'm nowhere near a knife...but I want to cry, scream, and I want someone to help me...More precisely, I want somebody to save me from myself.

Why is it hard? I don't get it, I shouldn't feel like this, I've been working with my doctor and my psychologist and I still get these sleepless nights in which I want to escape...I want to disappear. There is something wrong with me and I can't fix it, even if I want to fix it, it doesn't...

I believed to be strong, to solve my own issues and be my own hero....Self sufficient and right now it is all collapsing in nonsense. I'm afraid of insanity, I'm actually questioning it, logically I should be fine but I am not.

I am trying so hard, I don't want to be a disappointment to me and everyone else but it is so hard.

Now, I am finally crying...

Crying in silence as usual, trying not to wake up everyone...

It doesn't make sense, I want help but I am still crying in silence...I feel ashamed.

Vulnerable, broken and fragile...I don't want to but I can't help it.

Why can't I be happy like everyone else? What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm in pain and I want somebody to save me because I can't save myself. I can't save myself this time. I feel so impotent and frustrated.

I used to pray but somehow I can't anymore, it just makes it worse...I feel like crying more and cutting. I want to hurt myself because I am helpless and I don't want to, I don't want to be weak. I don't want to rely on somebody else.

It is so fucking stupid, it doesn't make sense, it hurts so bad.

It is already 4am, I have been crying for about 20 minutes to no consolation. I don't know what to do, I'm typing my feelings because I really have no clue on what else to do.

I'm so lost and lonely...I feel like throwing up now. Throw up everything that is bad about myself, I want to let my ugliness out, feel normal and sleep. Not feel anything...

I'm sick of everything...

Nobody is going to save me, this is ridiculous, I should just dope myself to sleep...

I'm tired