Catching Words

No wind, just an intense fume of warmth, and the fake lights of a city night
A need to create, a need to feel, a need to catch words that don't come to me.

This is the dead end of certainty, the logic that bounds phrases be gone,
There are no meanings and there's no flow, what has my mind done?

Immovable with no way to go, I wish to fly or fall but obviously I can't
If I were to ask for help, my mouth won't move, I be stuck with a lack of words.

What it is there to convey anyway? The solitude, the darkness, the person that I am?
I don't have a muse nor inspiration, no precise sentiment nor a specific memory...

Is this a waste of time, lost in the wonder of nothing, perhaps an unfulfilling wish to be?
These are words, objects, logic and a rhythm of waves that still don't make sense.

I just want to catch them all: feelings, memories, statements, ideas, feelings
Catch them, make them my own, let them be a pattern created from my soul.

Absurd that nothing comes up at this time, at this night, at this hour,
Everything seems to be living endlessly in a powerless breath.


Jumping in space, net in hand, I still can't catch those stardust words,
Am I wrong in trying to catch them just on my own?

It doesn't matter anyway,
It is a fruitless adventure...

To catch words in a mute space...with nobody to help.

It's Almost 4am

It is almost 4am and I can't go back to sleep.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, I feel anxious and I want to cry. I can't do anything, it is like I'm incapable of actually shedding tears.

Before I didn't use to have this problem, I have pills that I could take to make me fall asleep but I don't want to take more medicine. It is already enough with the antidepressants and the antibiotics I'm taking for the current infection I have in my ears and throat.

I think I need help but I don't know who to ask at 4am in the morning, I don't want to cut so I'm nowhere near a knife...but I want to cry, scream, and I want someone to help me...More precisely, I want somebody to save me from myself.

Why is it hard? I don't get it, I shouldn't feel like this, I've been working with my doctor and my psychologist and I still get these sleepless nights in which I want to escape...I want to disappear. There is something wrong with me and I can't fix it, even if I want to fix it, it doesn't...

I believed to be strong, to solve my own issues and be my own hero....Self sufficient and right now it is all collapsing in nonsense. I'm afraid of insanity, I'm actually questioning it, logically I should be fine but I am not.

I am trying so hard, I don't want to be a disappointment to me and everyone else but it is so hard.

Now, I am finally crying...

Crying in silence as usual, trying not to wake up everyone...

It doesn't make sense, I want help but I am still crying in silence...I feel ashamed.

Vulnerable, broken and fragile...I don't want to but I can't help it.

Why can't I be happy like everyone else? What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm in pain and I want somebody to save me because I can't save myself. I can't save myself this time. I feel so impotent and frustrated.

I used to pray but somehow I can't anymore, it just makes it worse...I feel like crying more and cutting. I want to hurt myself because I am helpless and I don't want to, I don't want to be weak. I don't want to rely on somebody else.

It is so fucking stupid, it doesn't make sense, it hurts so bad.

It is already 4am, I have been crying for about 20 minutes to no consolation. I don't know what to do, I'm typing my feelings because I really have no clue on what else to do.

I'm so lost and lonely...I feel like throwing up now. Throw up everything that is bad about myself, I want to let my ugliness out, feel normal and sleep. Not feel anything...

I'm sick of everything...

Nobody is going to save me, this is ridiculous, I should just dope myself to sleep...

I'm tired

Dream of a Demi Goddess

I dreamt that I was a demi goddess and it has been the coolest and weirdest dream I've had in a while...So, I have the need to write it down before I forget.

In my perspective, I see in the horizon pyramids and my palace looked Greek, columns and a very huge balcony.

There's a ceremony in which people are being converted and are ready to bow to me. I go down my balcony and there's a line of people praying while I walk in front of them. They kiss my feet as I walk down the line and after the ceremony is over; I get ready to go back inside my palace when I spot three individuals.

They look very suspicious but I still go up when I see my two grandiose sacred eagles flying up. However, one gets shut down and then the other. I become furious and somehow I knew it was those two men and woman. There is nothing that could stop me from finding these 3. Telepathically, I can sense where they at so I float there. I go across the palace to the garden where there are huge gold cages, I guess those were my eagles used to live :(

Anyway, I hanged the two men next in front of one of one of the golden cages and put the woman inside the cage. I do all of this with via telekinesis and then I question all of them who they are and who sent them.

They don't speak at all so I rip their clothes off and I snap the woman's neck. I take its corpse to the other men who are hanging from the ceiling and I ask them one more time to no reply.

So...I end up making the corpse decay in seconds and then placed it face to face to one of the men. They don't speak so I make the corpse kiss the man, or the man kisses it...I don't know both try to like eat each other and that's the end.

Weird, ain't?

Cheap Birthday Present

Roses are red.
Violets are blue. 
This cheap poem
is just for you....... You weird hipster gamer

When I think of you,
I only picture glasses.
It is nice I suppose,
since I'm not seen asses.....That would be too weird even for me

It's your birthday, you turn thirty.
You are now a wizard!
Throw a yoga party,
but not a blizzard.... Not like you could because Stormcallers can't do that yet 

This poem is ridiculous,
but you know I'm tedious.
I'll have cake in your name!
Blow a candle to wish you fame..... Even if you hate it

You hate everyone and everything
...or so you claim, but I don't think that is the case.
Maybe you care too much or maybe you don't.
Either way, you and I are now friends.

So please,
...Don't call me Go

...You haven't yet but I'm like waiting for it and I can't handle the pressure.
See!!! This poem doesn't rhyme anymore...Well, I got lazy too and I just want to wish you a...

SUPER HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

SMILE

Ohh yeah...these photos remind me of you *Not suspicious replica of miitomo's actions when they search thru their pocket to check a photo that came out of nowhere...Most likely stalking, but you know it is called an 'investigation' done with care* *wink*

"Hello, My name is Cody and I have 20 pairs of glasses and hats too, my Miitomo looks like Indiana Jones but lacks hair, a black jacket, and a whip"

You can't deny it!!! 

P.S. I asked Chad for the Russian picture...Not sure if he will get it to you or not... I hope he does

The Ouroboros Cycle - Review (Le Music, The Rant and The Love)

I finished this book and of course I can't wait to talk about it:



That's the trailer for it and here's the description:

How far would you go to avenge the one you love? Would you go beyond death? Born into the stifling confines of French upper society, Babette Varanus never thought that she would have to answer that question. Surrounded by wealth yet ostracized by her peers, Babette had little interest in love until she met Korbinian, a scandalous German baron with the audacity to regard her as his equal. But when the intrigues of her grandfather’s enemies conspire to tear them apart, Varanus will embark upon a journey of vengeance, love, and redemption that will take her beyond the limitations of mortality and reveal to her the dark forces that command humanity from the shadows. Faced with madness, murder, hidden cults, and erudite vampires, does she have the strength to withstand the storm that rises against her?

-http://www.gdfalksen.com/ouroboroscycle

I came to know about this book because I took one of those online quizzes about "Who are you in Steampunk Culture" sorta quiz and I got G.D. Falksen. I obviously did not know who he was, I was barely getting a grasp of what Steampunk is and to make the story short; I googled him and came to the realization that he is an amazing peculiar writer. I have been longing to read any of his books and it was until January that a good friend of mine gave me the two books that are currently out about this story. 

Before going back to the review,  I have to admit I didn't know there was a soundtrack to the first book:

The Ouroboros Cycle - Original Soundtrack

As you can tell, I completely passed over the experience of reading it with that music. However, instead I found this amazing fan soundtrack fro the PS4 game, Bloodborne (which depresses me bc I le haz an Xbox One) to listen to while I read this novel.

This soundtrack is absolutely fantastic! If you like Gothic Orchestra based music, I highly recommend it. The composition is magnificent and the complete album is free, so there is no excuse to NOT have it play while you read (this post or the book). 

Here's the link to the playlist:

Borne in Blood by Alex Roe

Support the artist and donate, because it is so worth it! This guy has talent! I propose he shall compose for the next D.M.C. video game (I can see Dante kicking it as the badass he is, while playing music like this *fangirl mode on*)

I need to get back on track, I was about to go on and on about Devil May Cry, I haven't played it because I be le poor and that makes me weak towards the subject.

Anyway, Ouroboros Cycle- The Rant!

First of all, I am going to say this...You are going to get "slightly" deceived by the plot description.  More than half of the book, it is just the setting and nothing else... You will even think you are reading a teen romance book at some point and would like to throw the book away being afraid of the worse:  TWILIGHT

However, fear not for I assure you this is not trash and you will be captivated by the romantic narration and writer's style. This is what kept me going until I was able to see the light on Chapter 14 (Yes, out of 30 this is the only reason I gave it a 4 out of 5 stars). However, I do understand this is the ground for the series and thus, it is a forceful introduction that you have to read in order to get to the good part.

Here comes the SPOILERS skip to the Love part if you don't wanna hear me rant.

- I get it, they are in love, Babette and Korbinian are meant to be. Please, kill Korbinian already for the love of my sanity revenge to take place. Even though, Babette is the heroine of the story, I thought she was blonde for half of the book. You really believe she is  a teenager and it could have been worse, it took me months to get over the first part of the book because it had zero to do with the plot. You expect to Korbinian to die any second, but that second never comes and all they do is painfully, grotesquely and slowly fall in love.

-It was a torture seen them fall in love, I expected this part to be subtle and for the reader to assume how strong their love is (come on, it is not hard to imagine) So, the only thing that kept me going was the expectation. This is another thing that I somewhat dislike about the book. You could tell Korby (yes, that's how I'm going to call Korbinian) to hit the sack BUT before doing so, Babette was going to get preggo in the eggo and the Granny (Yes, William shall be called Granny cuz I give zero fucks when I am ranting) was going to take the kiddo away for Babette to grow as a character and Blah Blah Blah.

-Alfonse shall be Gaston and it took him forever to die too. He had more lives than a cat and...he is a werewolf. His character was so hard to digest, yes he is evil and whatnot but he is also so..meh. I don't get most of his actions, he is just an asshole for the fuck of being an asshole. I don't get why he had to be a pain in the behind, when he clearly has a relationship with his cousin and that was his excuse. At the end of the book it states that he still is screwing Claire and even has children, so he is only a pain to Babette, well Dr. Varanus, because of stupid pride. It HAS BEEN DECADES! get a life. His case is so pathetic, he has two hairy balls whenever it is convenient to the plot but in reality he is just an excuse of a human werewolf being. I don't even know why they were even significant and worth adversaries to William. I thought there must have been more to this, the whole family rivalry, I am crossing fingers it will be mentioned on the second book because these villains sucked. They are so stupid it is not even funny how they died at the end.  They wait to kill Friedrich, they don't make sure William (they life archenemy) is dead, they care but not really care for Babette... I don't see a good motive for them to be evilly stupid. Didn't the order also were to William's back for a pup??? What was the purpose of the deadline at the beginning if they were not going to give a shit about Babette afterall?

-I really thought the order at least knew about Friedrich after the whole deal at the beginning and at the end, they didn't know about him AT ALL, they forgot about William...they gave no fucks about his bloodline apparently, even thought they almost lived outside his window at the beginning of the book to see what was going on w his family. The Order in other words...is STUPID. FUCKING ASS STUPID. I still don't know how to feel about Williams nor Frederick, they are neutral for now. I am afraid they are inclining to be the stupid but important characters that I don't care about until they die. In summary, if I don't get an explanation of why there's a war between the vampires and wolfies, just like the two houses in this book...I don't know what I will do. 

Ouroboros Cycle- The Love

I shall tell you why you should spend time reading this book, I think the most notorious reason is the writing style. Falksen does a lovely job at narrating the scenes and the dialogues are superb. The story has potential because of the main protagonist and even though she is weak and somewhat generic, you can identify with her as she matures through the book (hopefully it will keep going thought the story). The story is somewhat predictable but it has awesome twists that I shall talk about next. The side characters compensate for the pathetic excuse of villains and I have to admit I am curious as to what will develop on the next book "A Cautionary Tale for Young Vampires"
Here comes the SPOILERS skip to my Panda Rating if you don't wanna hear me fangirl

-The dialogue and splendid narration will keep you reading the agonizing love story between Babette and Korby. They use sarcasm as their love tongue and I do envy these lovebirds in this aspect. You do see the chemistry between the two but it is overwhelming at times. Anyway, the flow of the words it is magical, I can see the places and the fight scenes like a movie, sometimes I did have to read twice to know exactly what was happening but I think that is because I would read too fast the first time. The illustration help a lot to visualize (mostly the clothes to be quite honest). I was able to imagine the enhanced senses these creatures have and how it affected them. It was not just "punch in da face" but a good description of the action and effect; specially when there was a fight between vampires and scions.

-Babette is just wonderful. I hated her at first, because you really believe she is your normal teenager that hates society and ends up falling for the rebel hot guy. Yes, I was disappointed at first because I was expecting a mature, cold heart, meticulous woman with a insatiable thirst for revenge and I got young Babette instead. Fortunately, she grows and becomes a great heroine, denouncing mortality and even deluded and forever haunted by the love of her life. I did not expect Kurby to come back at all, and I like him more as a deranged illusion created by the very scientific inclined Dr. Velarus. This sentence sounds like Frankenstein, I know... but it is true! The irony makes me a happy and I was also a very happy sadistic panda, how she gets beaten up by life and literally by the scions and whatnot (I could hear bone cracks, skin melting and clothes tearing apart in every fight...I have issues). As I said, you can tell how she grows as the story progresses, not only physically but obviously mentally. I am however, very intrigued in what she is studying. I mean, she took an oath to be immortal for knowledge, I don't think she is only absorbing like a sponge, she must be experimenting and doing something worth 25 yrs in the process, am I right?

- The side characters DO make up for the shitty villains that this book has. I can't wait for the war to erupt between the Shashavani? Shashavanians? Shashavavivi~ (I can't remember how to spell or how to call the vamps people, shame on me) Crazy queen is one of my favs, I want her to go all nuts and for Lord Iosef to cut her head defending Dr. Valarus (A fangirl can dream). I did not have to get many expectations since I read everything super fast while I reach the point of no return. When Babette transforms to a vampire, the story about the trilogy and the omnipotent old vamp is really interesting and very Christian. I do hope this almighty being ends up being Godric from True Blood, I would laugh if he is really a she...a vamp scion *Insert Underworld reference* ;D

-Luka and Ekaterine are fantastic, I might be under the impression that they must be grand since I did not expect a crap from them. I thought Ekaterine was going to be annoying, the annoying character that gets either jealous of the main character or going to adore her to the point that makes me want to puke. Ekaterine resulted to be a well balanced and likeable character. I believed Dr. Veranus to be a lone wolf and was refreshing to see her interact like a normal human person with the Shashavani more than her own people (wolfies and normal gals). I just like Luka because he is quiet and overall a badass, I want to grow up to be like him.

I think I already covered characters, plot, flow, narrative/style, not sure what else to review so here comes my FINAL SCORE

PANDA RATING:

5 out of 6 Mustache Pandas :{D

This review took its sweet time. I be le tired, I shall update if anything comes to mind but for now this is it.

Until next time, my lovely pandas~

Takano san, when are you coming back to my life? Junjou Romantica is going to have a 3rd season, what about Sekaichi Hatsukoi?!! I need to believe in love again.

Takano san is love, Takanos san is life <3